• Stephanie Speaks

Fat. Sick and Nearly Divorced.

Updated: Sep 6, 2019

Fat. Sick and Nearly Divorced.

This week marks what would have been my 10-year wedding anniversary. If you asked me as a child what I wanted to be when I grew up; fat, sick and divorced wouldn’t come into it. But here I am embracing the life that I was given and absolutely LOVING it! There’re so many things I wish I could tell myself 10 years ago that I didn’t…. but if you’re still fresh and ready to take on the world I’ll let you in on my deepest, innermost thoughts.


Finding the One

It was love at first sight. Surely my soul mate? I was standing at a bar aged 16 with my biggest heels on and my fanciest outfit ready to impress the swarm of young adults around me. I’d just been dumped by the first love of my life and it took every inch of my being to muster up the energy to put on a brave face and re-enter the world (dramatic much?) He confidently walked towards me with his friend and said ‘hi’ followed by “I’m going to marry this girl!” I burst out laughing. I didn’t realise he would shape the next 15 years of my life!

A Blur

Literally my 20’s. By 20 we were parents, new homeowners and about to get married, and everything seemed perfect. If you ask anybody they will say #Goals. That’s lifes plan isn’t it? To find someone tall, dark and handsome and fall in love and ride off into the sunset together. But while we both clung on to the notion that we’ve found “the one” we dealt with an absolute rollercoaster. University as parents, opening businesses, addiction, anxiety and depression, separation, all the while “keeping it together”.


Reality

The reality is we both desperately struggled as a romantic couple, and it took a decade for us to acknowledge that our children were better in 2 happy homes, that one full of tension and arguments. Now, if you look on the internet at divorce, you’ll quickly see blogs and pages sprawled full of the idea of chaos! Tips on “How to get back at your ex!” or “how to win the divorce!” with photos of stereotypical women crying and diving into a tub of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream due to losing “the one” (other delicious ice creams are available).

I replaced the need to dive into food and depression by getting myself into the world and pushing through my comfort zone. I discovered parts of me I hadn’t realised was there to offer, mainly through yoga and meditation. I found amazing spots to go to like Free State Kitchen, Liverpool, to eat and enjoy the occasional gin in the sun, EVEN if I’m just with my children and not “the one” (see full review of Free State Kitchen here – Seriously I recommends the place!)


Don’t get me wrong, I miss someone being there to take off the burden of the kids screeching over who’s turn it is to pick the film, or to volunteer to do the tuck shop run when there’s no junk or wine left in the house! Especially as a person dealing with disability and knowing that sometimes I just literally can’t do it! Relationships bring so many benefits and that I understand but for us we were better off as friends and co-parents and after many heavily charged discussions we decided to go our own ways!


How to find the one.

So, thirty something is not how I planned it to be, but it is currently how it needs to be. Even still people stop and ask me “how has it been? Are you sure you will be okay? What if he wants to marry someone else?” I always feel the same way about it. Fine. Okay sometimes we disagree on the big stuff, and we will always have to keep a tight schedule around the girls, but it works! The best thing I ever did was discover how to find “the one” and you can do it to. You just need to turn your attention inward to yourself.

See the thing about friends and relationships is that you must check in on your own energy, in order to share and enjoy anyone one else’s. Find what sets your passions on fire, what makes you get out of bed in the morning and be the absolute warrior princess (or prince!) that you were born to be!




If you want to find “the one” who is going to fulfil you, turn your gaze forward and stand in front of a mirror; It’s been yourself all along.

© 1988 

1988