HOW TO DEAL WITH INSECURITY AFTER BEING CHEATED ON
A short time ago a client got in touch with me and reached out for advice. His advice was surprisingly a common theme which lands in my social media inbox, and something I imagine hundreds and thousands of people are dealing with on a daily basis.
His question read as this,
“Do you have any tips on dealing with insecurity?”
Now this is such a broad theme I had to ask him to elaborate. He did. He has been hurt by infidelity in a past relationship and it was affecting his ability to form a new tursting and happy relationship with someone else.
This is understandle. I’ve been cheated on. A long, long time ago. But I can remember every tear, every ounce of pain, and all the insecurities I carried forward with me. It took me a LONG time to form a balanced and happy relationship in future.
Through this pain, in hindsight, I picked out some new lessons I had learned from the experience, and most importantly, HOW to deal with insecurity and move forward in a way that enables you to be happy again. Whether you choose to stay with your partner after cheating is a whle different argument, but regardless of old or new relatipnship status, these steps will definitely help.
1. Don’t Make Assumptions
Not everyone will cheat. Not everyone has cheated. Someone who has cheated before may not necessicerely cheat again. It is compleely normal to experience fear after being hurt, however, it is important not to generalise that pain to all new relationships.
When you creat a story in your own mind, remind yourself it is just that – A FALSE STORY. Help yourself to become aware of these false thoughts and take complete control over them. When you find your mind wondering – STEP IN. Like this;
“She’s not answering her phone… she must be cheated on me like my last partner did!”
STOP! Change the process.
“She’s not nswering her phone. Maybe she is caught up in something important. I’ll make sure I’m available for when she gets in touch.
Do NOT generalise.
2. Communicate Your Fear!
Although it seems daunting at first, no harm can come from being honest and diplomatic about your feeling and fears rehgarding infidelity. Of course, you don’t want to seem vulnerable and needy, but providing you are clear the first time on how past experience as hurt you, the conversation doesn’t need to be repeated and re-inforced (unless, of course, a new partner is being an infidel!)
In a happy and healthy relationship, your partner allow your wounds to heal and nurture them along the way. Without expressing fear to your partner, they have no way of knowing how to truly support you through any insecurity.
It is not unreasonable to occasionally express your insecurity to your partner, you might also ask your partner to reasure by doing small gestures. For instance; Instead of over=thinking and worrying about why your partner comes home later, simply ask them to give you a text or call to explain they will e later than unusual beforehand!
Finally, decide as a couple how you can both boost confidence and reduce insecurity for each other. Make these agreements as a team.
3. Nurture Your Relationship
People become infidels when the feel that their needs are not being met by their partner. They are not satisfied and they either actively seek to or passively lead themselves down the path of cheating! Neither partner in the initial relationship truly knew how to just maintain a healthy relationship.
In any case, it’s easy for each partner to blame the other for cheating, but the truth is, in most circumstances both partners had a role to play in the relationship turning sour. Just as both have the responsibility to keep the relationship fresh and fruitful.
Consider couples coaching if necessry – keep making that conscious effort to nurture your relationship, and actively learn how to keep it alive. Ideally you can do this as a team – but if not you can certainly apply what you have discovered!
Actively making positive changes will show in the dynamic of any relationship, and over time, things will improve significantly. If the connection improves for you, the chances are your partner will match the effort too!
Failing all of this... just remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE! and you are BADASS for experiencing infidelity and wanting to try again! The world is your oyster!
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